Understanding Addiction

I’ve worn addictions like a wardrobe. Most of them haven’t gotten to a point where they act like an addiction, publicly. That is, I picked up smoking, got to the point of chain-smoking, stopped when I realized it was killing me, and moved on. It took years to ramp up, and weeks to stop.

Then there was alcohol. Long ramp up, and a fast drop. The funny part is that I had to ask myself, did I ever really enjoy it, or was I doing it because it was there?

Food. Oh, my, gawd! This is the vile of the addictions. I have to eat to survive, but I don’t have to smoke or drink alcohol. So my very life is the challenge to defeat my addiction. If a person was required to smoke to survive, I would have died from over-smoking.

So I had to realize that it isn’t food that is the enemy, but gluttony. Meaning I am using food to fill a dopamine gap in my life. I have developed a habit to feed until I’m ready to explode. This isn’t healthy unless I were to only eat once every few days. Even then, it isn’t all that healthy for humans.

What is my real addition then? Look at my actions. I get overly obsessive to the point where I have seen the sun set, rise, and set again all before I went to sleep. Which tells me that I get lost in my own world. I’m told that this is serious OCD. That would explain why occasionally I would write on my hand that I locked the door, just so I could make it into my car, and drive away to my destination. If I didn’t do that I would have been stuck at the same location walking to and from my car until I gave up trying to leave.

I have overcome much of this once I realized what was going on, but it decided to linger in new ways.

The new ways: Gluttony isn’t a new way, but an old one that I MUST crush. I will stop eating just because there is food near me. I say that while there is a bottle of water right next to me, acting as a surrogate for gin. Or is it?

See, I don’t drink water until I explode, or die of hyponatremia. However, most food additions, including sugar addictions, drive people to consume until they do die. How many people do I know who have diabetes? How many people do I know who are morbidly obese?

I am now convinced that all of these are forms of addiction. The whole point of my fasting is to explore what is hunger, and what is habit or addiction. I broke my fast to an addiction. I even used a lot of the terminology of an addict. How? Or better question, Why am I allowing myself to lie to me about my state? Addicts are liars. The first person they lie to is always themself. I lie to myself every time I claim something that I know is not true, then convince myself that it is.

I know that my FB impulses are still there, as is my smoking impulse, and drinking impulse. I just don’t cater to them. I don’t feed those addictions. I don’t listen to those lies.

“OMG! If I don’t find out what is happening with ________, I’m just going to freak out!”. That statement is exactly why I stopped watching TV, Youtube, FB videos, playing online games, etc. I’m not relinquishing my humanity or happiness to the control of those services.

So how am I going to handle this addiction? I’m going to fast again. And again. And again. Until this impulse is nothing more than the shallow echo like the smoking, drinking, and other impulses. I am filling that time with better things.

Remember, one cannot see light by staring into the darkness. One needs to look at or into the light. So if you are tackling an addiction, what is the light at the end of the tunnel? What is your inspiration? What is your goal?

I desire to live my life in service to my Lord. I am doing this to spend more time on His things, rather than the things of this world.


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